Okay, the subject of this post has very little to with anything I might write. I'm just in one of my "listen to Nirvana and smash everything in the room" kind of moods. It's not a "bad" mood, generally I'm quite happy, in a big picture kind of way, still... Right now I think it'd be fun to punch out every window in my room just for kicks. Sometimes it's hard to separate the "big picture" from the "right now," but I'm working on it. I do it FAR better than I used to, which's great. I don't fall into an "Aimee Mann makes perfect sense" funk, as I was once often wont to do. I'll take a little:
"come back as fire, and burn all the liars, leave a blanket of ash on the ground..."
over
"So here I'm sitting in my car at the same old stoplight I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what So red turns into green turning into yellow But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot And all I have to do is to press the pedal But I'm not No, I'm not"
any day... Apathy's really worse than anything, but I'm not even remotely apathetic, which's great overall. I've had quite a great time these last few weeks; I have the eye-brow piercing to prove it. It's just that with all the great stuff, there are so many fucking annoyances to tolerate and fix and I'm doing so, but Christ on a trampoline, I'd like a decent uninterrupted break from all the things that make me want to smash glass with my fists. Hell, I feel better already!
So, the good mood continues unflinchingly... It's so odd being genuinely happy, not just temporarily. Yes, I know, one could say that EVERYTHING'S temporary, from our moods to our physical casing, always changing, never the same forever. I even believe that to a degree. Yet, I think that people have some control over what's temporary and what isn't. For instance, my previous 7ish years of apathy, internal anger and varying degrees of depression were temporary, but not intrinsically temporary. I didn't just sit back while the bad situation fixed itself, because, after all, "all things are temporary." I'm doing well because I identified problems and systematically made changes; some difficult changes, but they're the ones that have paid off the most. So, now that I'm happy and know what it is that fosters such happiness, I can actively try to maintain it. Though, I think "succeed" is more appropriate than "try."
Anywho, I used the term, "genuinely happy" back before I got into my little tangent on the nature of "temporary." I've been happy before, obviously. I'm happy when my writing's published. I'm happy when I score a new iPod or shiny piece of hardware. I'm happy when I get a new game (unless it's The Sims, those games just fill me with an abject hatred for gaming). I'm happy on any number of occasions, but... happiness related to such things wears off rather quickly. Games get old, iPods get outdated in ten minutes and after a week, nobody gives a fuck that I reviewed the Mac version of C&C: Generals, including myself. However, the way I feel now is completely different. Life's not about "stuff," it's about people, experiences and experiences in the company of people. The latter, to me, is the most important. Sharing experiences with someone who completely matters to me is greater than hanging out in the green room (which is actually yellow) at Letterman or getting shuttled to the front at a Jobs keynote. I mean, sure, those were fun experiences, but to me personally, they're pretty meaningless in a big picture kind of way. I didn't think to myself the last time I was in the hospital (which was many years ago), "well, if this goes bad, at least I saw Steve Jobs intro the Cube." I've never been lonely at 3 AM and been comforted by the fact that Hot Jeff from Aspyr really liked the big M&M cookies when we all went to the Late Show. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful for such experiences, they were very cool, but... I could take or leave them and it wouldn't matter to me in the grand scheme of my life. The first time I went to a movie without a member of my family; that meant something. Throwing out all my old clothes and going out with my assistant to try on (I never really picked out and tried things on) a new look of my own desire; that meant something. The first time I met Sara; that meant something. Holding Sara under the stars at the beach; that meant something. I look back on all of the previous and I feel happy. I know that more of such things are ahead and I feel happy. I'm just happy, I can't put it any other way. I like that I don't miss the comfort in being sad...
Thank you Nirvana, gg.
So, I'm in a pretty happy place. For starters, I have a girlfriend, an absolutely incredible girlfriend. She's so brilliant and so lovely, I feel like I've won some kind of lottery. Even if this lottery involves me getting stoned to death at the end, I don't particularly care. Even if I end up being pelted into the next world by heavy rocks, it'd be completely worth the time I've spent with her. Luckily, I don't think it's that kind of lottery and I think everything's going to be fine for a good while. Last night, we went to the beach and had a picnic under the stars; it was incredible. Lying there with her, hearing the Gulf break against the beach, looking up into the clear stary sky, I felt so lucky to be alive. To me, it's such experiences that make life beautiful. I think about her and I just grin, I can't help it. Nobody can figure out why I'm so openly beaming.
I was in the car earlier with my mom and brother, mom and I had to give a pointless presentation on assistive technology. Normally, I'd have been fairly miffed. Miffed that I got roped into going. Miffed that my role in this particular presentation was really more that of a figurehead and not anything meaningful. Miffed at the entire situation. Yet, today I looked out the window, up into an AMAZING blue sky and thought to myself, "Christ on skates, it's pretty out." Meanwhile, mom and Brian are bitching about Brian's driving and what-not. Brian is rarely pleasant before, say, 6 PM. Still, I decided to try and chat it up!
Mike: Wow, it's beautiful out. Like, the sky is an incredible blue.
Mom: Brian, why don't you try to get around that truck?
Brian: Mom, shut up! Where the fuck am I supposed to go?
Mike: The beach was really awesome too, there was a nice breeze and the stars were really bright. At one point, there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
Mom: That's nice.
Mike: Yeah, I really love being outside with the battery (Note: I now am able run my bipap aka exo-lung, aka little breathing machine with a battery and thus can go anywhere and still breathe). Nature's pretty incredible.
Brian: Jesus, dude, enough! You're turning into one of those people, it's annoying.
I also talked about my plans to go camping and dancing. In regards to camping, Brian said, "Dude, it'll be fucking hot and miserable out there, you'll hate it. And who's going to take you?" To which I replied, "It'll be awesome at night, I don't plan being out there at noon. Steven'll take us, it'll rock." Brian the ever-optimist said, "Dude, it's a dumb idea. You don't want to go camping." To which I said, "I do and I am." Mom was also skeptical about the camping in a similar, but less disdainful fashion. When it came to dancing, Brian said, "Where are you getting these ideas?" A year ago, all of the previous would have been annoying and discouraging, but not now. I'm capable of ANYTHING, not just those certain things that people expect of me. Life fucking rocks and unless zombies show up tomorrow, things will only get better. Though, zombies would be pretty cool...