An Introspective Retrospective of a Prospective Genius

Rant Time OMG!

So, they finally killed Terri Schiavo. I never thought it would actually happen. It's like something out of the Twilight Zone. I mean, they don't starve people to death just because one person says that the victim would have wanted it that way. Right? Well, in Florida things are a little different. Here in Florida, a fellow can legally kill his wife based on a brief conversation while watching a movie during which said wife noted that she wouldn't want to be kept alive if she were in some sort of coma. That's the gist of Michael Schiavo's case to legally kill his wife.

Now, if somebody wants to die and they draw up the appropriate papers outlining the circumstances under which they wouldn't want to be kept alive, I say rock on. Go ahead and check out. However, I find it frightening that a woman can be starved to death based solely on her husband's word. Supposedly, Terri was brain dead, but the last brain scan was done 2 years ago. So, how does anybody know what was going on? One set of doctors said she was a vegetable, while the other set said she was self aware and basically alert. So, which doctors are correct? Michael Schiavo wouldn't allow ongoing therapy and tests, so how does anyone know what level of awareness Terri really had? Besides, doctors screw up all the time. According to doctors, I should be dead right now. People wake up from decade long comas. Terri could breath on her own, her parents wanted the responsibility of her care, all she needed was her feeding tube. Why Michael Schiavo wanted his wife dead so badly is a matter for he and God to discuss. I just can't believe the courts let him do it. In Florida one can't legally starve a dog to death, but it's perfectly ok to do it to a woman. Michael Schiavo and his lawyer described Terri's death process as "beautiful" and "peaceful", but starvation and dehydration to the point of death is neither beautiful or peaceful. It hurts, a lot. Her lips were cracked, her tongue grew hard and her body ate itself. Yeah, real beautiful. Besides, how does anybody know for certain she couldn't feel her oh so beautiful death process? Yes, Virginia, the world is fucked up.

About Me?

So, I was talking to somebody earlier about blog topics and they suggested I write about the details of my disability. Now, normally I wouldn't blog on this, but my friend was quite keen on the topic. I mean, it's obvious I don't walk, what other explanation is needed? I love when I'm at the mall or something and somebody nervously says, "Um, could I ask what's wrong with him?" They don't ask me, they ask whoever's with me. Questions like that don't bother me, as the person asking is either really gutsy, or really stupid and thus deserving of my pity. Either way, I never reply meanly. I usually say something funny, like "I'm fine, are you ok?" or "Nothing, why do you ask?" I actually have a hoody that reads, "I'm not disabled, I'm just lazy". Then, of course, I give a more informative answer.

Basically, I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy, meaning the signals from my brain don't make it to my muscles strongly enough, causing the unused muscles to atrophy. I'm sort of a celebrity to doctors, as they almost never see SMA. A doctor could literally go their entire carreer without seeing one such as me. I'm also unique in that I can breath pretty much on my own. Yay! I have a little machine called a BiPAP, but I can be off of it and not drop dead. Not that the drop would be far. That's pretty much the gist of my gimpyness. Boring, no?

Stream of wha'?

Alright, today was less counter-productive than yesterday, which is a good thing. Granted, I didn't do anything interesting or fun, it was mostly tedious errands and the like. I decided to read all morning. I want to finish my current book, The Laughing Corpse, so I can take a break from vampires and re-read The Sound and the Fury. I want to write my next story using the stream of consciousness style, so for inspiration I want to read a true masterpiece of stream of consciousness writing. The Sound and the Fury is by far my favorite book of all time.

In other news, after I finish writing this I'm actually going to watch Stigmata. Ever since I mentioned it, I've had the urge to watch it. I was supposed to go have lunch with an old pal in Orlando, but that fell through. Were my friend a pretty young woman and not a fellow named Bob, I'd be far more disappointed... However, I haven't had to worry about lunch with a delightful lady in a long time.

Uh...

So, today I really didn't do much. I just couldn't get into anything productive. I pretty much played World of Warcraft as much as possible. I sent a few e-mails, but mostly it was a WoW day. I do have a few new story ideas, one of which I will write tomorrow. Somebody wrote me today and said:

That short story of yours.....about the zombies. Makes me wonder what is in your head for you to be able to describe something like that. :P

Well, I think sugar and spice and everything nice, maybe?

Feelin' Fine

Well, my cold is pretty much no more. So, chalk one up for me! Today was Easter, so we went to Easter mass. It was a nice mass, not overly long. The priest tried to get the audience more involved by asking some questions, but amusingly everyone was pretty clueless. For instance, he asked how the apostles recognized the newly resurrected Jesus. Everyone fell silent for a moment, then the wrong answers began to flow like so much holy water. People said, "his eyes", "his voice" and my personal favorite, "his glow". Now, I'm no religious scholar, but I know that Jesus was recognized by his 5 wounds. Hasn't anybody seen Stigmata? I felt bad for the priest, I think he was disappointed that nobody knew. To me, church is like anything, if one isn't going to pay attention, why bother?

Aside from church, I didn't do much else. I did watch Interview with the Vampire for a little story writing inspiration. My favorite line...

And what if there is no Hell, or they don't want us there? Ever think of that?

I have more write, but I'll do it tomorrow.

Get Down With the Sickness

So, for the last few days I've had a fabulous cold. I've had far worse and I get them rarely, nevertheless tis' no fun having a cold. My last two posts have clearly reflected such. Having a cold makes me nervous and edgey all at once. It's a delightful combination of moods. I didn't used to get so bothered, but some years back I had a really unpleasant flu which was quite a reminder of one's own... frailty. Thus, I've been paranoid ever since about the possible results of a cold. It's all so Howard Hughes. Then, I get annoyed. Annoyed that I'm so uneasy. Annoyed that there's a lot I want to, but have yet to do. That's really annoying. On one hand, I've done so much. I've freaking photographed Dave Letterman. It's even a decent photo. Steve Jobs gave me his first and only interview regarding games and Mac OS X. Yet, sometimes I feel like none of that matters. I think there are other things that matter far more. It's those things I want, but ofttimes, not always, I feel like maybe I won't get them. Hence my recent edgey mood. One can't get something without working for it, but it's hard to work when one's in a poor mood. It's quite the lovely conundrum.

I'm feeling better today though, so yay!

To sum it all up

I'm not really up for writing anything, but here's the truest quote I've probably ever heard...

Well you may never be or have a husband you may never have or hold a child.
You will learn to lose everything we are temporary arrangements.

Good, no?

Dental Surgery+Cold= Fun!

So, today started off decently enough. I had a dental appointment, which is always pretty fun. As crazy as it sounds, I really dig the dentist. Why? Well, a few reasons really. All day long, the dentist and office staff put up with people who don't want to be there. They complain, they're nervous, they pretty much hate being in that dental chair. So, I try to be the exact opposite. We tell jokes, talk movies and have an all around good time. It's like a party, but with drills and the occasional scalpel. I also take some pride in the fact that my hockey playing brother gets squeamish at the sight of a tiny needle, whereas I can take any medical procedure with a smile. It's sort of a rush, like rock climbing. So, the oral surgery today went pretty well. However, I also seem to have come down with a cold. So, that's the suck. Normally, my writing would be more witty, but right now I don't particularly care. I have a cold, I'm tired and I just watched Four Weddings and a Funeral with my mom.

And they wonder why you're frustrated
And they wonder why you're so angry
And is it just me or are you fed up?

Guess the quote, win a prize...

It's all a process

So, I just finished draft number 2 of my short story, but I'm not quite ready to post it here. As zombie fiction goes, it's pretty good, but my goal is to transcend the genre and create solid literature. I want to be the Faulkner of zombies. So, I sent draft 2 to some trusted people for feedback. After that, I'll create a 3rd draft and so on until it's polished fiction. Then, it will show up here.

And... done... sort of

So, today I finished my first short story... sort of. It's basically done, but there are a few elements which need work. Interestingly, I seem to be very good at capturing a character's internal thoughts and feelings, but I'm absolutely bad at painting their external surroundings. That's interesting because I never realized how little I see my surroundings in real life. Yeah, I go places all the time, but I can't exactly look around independently. I don't ever wander. I can't see out the window in the car. I don't go places, I'm taken places. I never really take in the scenery on a daily basis and it shows in my fiction. I can easily describe what it feels like to BE a zombie, but I find it difficult to describe the room in which said zombie sits. I'll get better, it will just take practice.

Thus begins the editing process... If I can fix the story well enough soon enough, I'll post it here Wednesday.

Um... yeah

Well, today was fairly uneventful. I played a bit too much World of Warcraft, but nothing too bad. I got a good chunk of writing done, so rock on. In fact, once I post this, I'm going to finish up my story.

Just for kicks, I also watched one of my all time favorite movies, 28 Days Later. At first glance, 28 Days Later looks like a typical zombie movie, but it's really so much more. Yes, it's got plenty of bloody violence and crazed zombies, but it also tells quite a beautiful story. Unlike most "zombie movies", 28 Days Later is very character driven. It's about what happens when society is gone and all that's left is survival. How would people handle it? Would it be everyone for themselves, or would people bond? If all our comforts and luxuries were gone, what would become important? As long as one has someone who cares about them, does anything else matter? That's the essence of 28 Days Later.

So much to ponder...

Wise Up

So, I'm still really disappointed in the debacle that was The Ring 2. Honestly, it was like watching Bill Murray get screwed out of his Oscar for Lost in Translation. I feel that bad about The Ring 2. How could something so great go so very wrong? Ugh...

In other news, I'm still working on my zombie story. I'm about half done, but I won't post anymore until it's complete. As a friend and mentor pointed out, half written stories don't mean anything. It's the finished ones that count. So, when will it be finished? It will be posted here on Wednesday. I've said it, so I can't punk out.

Having goals and deadlines is really helping. "I'll do it later" used to be my constant internal monologue, but that was no way to get things done. I was in a total rut. I felt like a gimpy cliche. World of Warcraft as much as possible, game reviews when needed, assistive technology peddling and the constant thought that nothing will ever change. Obviously, there's more to life than games and AT. I want some of the other stuff, but I saw no way to get it. Thus I was just bored and kind of bitter. I felt kind of like Aimee Mann's It's Not.

I keep going round and round on the same old circuit.
A wire travles underground to a vacant lot.
Where something I can't see interrupts the current.
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot.
And from behind the screen, it can look so perfect.
But it's not.

So here im sittin in my car at the same old stop light.
I keep waiting for a change, but I don't know what.
So red turns into green, turning into yellow.
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot.
And all I have to do is press the pedal.
But I'm not. No I'm not.

Well people are tricky,
You can't afford to show,
anything risky, anything they don't know.
The moment you try, well kiss it goodbye.

So baby kiss me like a drug, like a respirator.
And let me fall into the dream of the astrounaut.
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever.
And you make all the rest just an after thought.
And I believe it's you who could make it better.
But it's not. No it's not.

Then I realized something, you get what you give. If all I do is think negatively, negativity is all I'll ever get back. One can't expect things to happen TO them, one has to do whatever it takes to MAKE things happen. So, if I throw off my melancholy and start getting productive, things will work out. All the things and people that I let bring me down don't matter. To paraphrase one of my favorite little quotes from Dawn of the Dead, fuck the fuckers. A blunt, but appropriate summation, no?

Like the song says, it's not going to stop till' you wise up...

Ring 2 OUCH!

So, tonight I saw The Ring 2 and it was quite possibly the biggest disappointment since... nothing. It was more of a let down than Episode I. I didn't even want it to be better than The Ring, I just wanted it to be the same. Sadly, it fell short of its predecessor in almost every single way. Naomi Watts is an excellent actress, but there was no way she could save this movie. Within the first few minutes I realized something was off, because visually things just looked different. All the creepy lighting and stunning cinematography was gone. Everything was just visually uninteresting. The only striking image was Anna Morgan plunging from the cliff, but that was straight from the original film. Rather than cinematic artistry, The Ring 2 relies on uninspired cinematography and CG effects galore. Why did the Ring 2 look SO different than its predecessor? Thank Hideo Nakata, the man who took the helm as director in place of the outstanding Gore Verbinski. The difference was literally night and day. As for the story, I don't even feel like getting into it. I'm sorry I saw it myself. The Ring was such a work of art. I'm simply going to pretend The Ring 2 doesn't exist.

Zombie Story Draft

Ok, here's the start of my heretofore unnamed forray into zombie fiction. I'd really dig feedback.

At 3:38 AM, Ian's blood showered his headboard in crimson. After the initial thoughts of HELP HELP HELP, I CAN'T BREATH! PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE. PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE. PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE, a certain sense of calm washed over Ian. It was probably due to the sanguine river flowing through his torn throat that he felt so lethargic, but lethargy seemed a welcome change when compared to abject terror. Completely devoid of fear, Ian thought, Wow, I never thought I'd die like THIS. THIS only happens in the movies, right? Maybe this is just a bad dream and if I close my eyes everything will be okay when they flutter back open. That thought made Ian laugh, no one in the movies wakes up, no matter how bad they want to be dreaming. At least it was quiet. Ian craved quiet to quell his chaotic life. I always figured she'd yell me to death, but this is pretty close, he considered while pointlessly clutching at the fleshy morass in his neck. Maybe I was half asleep and it didn't really happen like that. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong. She had a knife or an axe or something. Nobody does THAT in real life, it's insane. Ian's hand fell to his side, there's really no point, I'm tired. I think I'll just rest for a bit, things can't any worse. Right? For a moment, the bedroom was peaceful. I've always wanted nice red sheets… Then, everything turned black and Ian slept ever so briefly.

Then came the voice echoing inside Ian's mind, GET THE FUCK UP NOW! That constituted Ian's last coherent thought, after the voice Ian ran on pure visceral instinct. Thus, Ian acted on the prodding of the voice, pulling his matted black hair from his blood soaked silk pillow. Every single part of Ian screamed with pain. Tugging his head from what was once a decadent luxury felt like his scalp might simply separate from his skull. The cool hardwood floor of his bedroom felt like ten thousand tiny needles puncturing the soles of his feet. Ian's senses tingled to an excruciating degree. Not only did Ian's pain exist physically, but his mind too ached unimaginably. It seemed as though a million voices shouted to Ian. No words, no reason, just brutally painful noise. Angry noise, a waking nightmare, a cacophony of rage and terror. If Hell on earth could exist, Ian stood in the dead center. With all of his torment and pain, he stepped into the cold pre-dawn air that felt like razors against his face. Something called to him, he needed to sate a desire that he lacked the capacity to describe.

This desire drove him with a fervor unmatched by anything Ian ever experienced in his former life. Every instinct pushed him to spread the sickness within. Spurred by feeling rather than cognizance, Ian plunged through the bay window of his unfortunate next-door neighbor, Anna.

Anna grew up a devout and obedient Catholic girl, but at 24 and away from the microcosm known as family she decided that she needed to expand upon her life's experiences. All the clichés of sex, drugs and opulently gothic rave parties made up her world. Her parents gave her a life with blinders on, thus she gave herself a life in which blinders didn't exist. Sure, screwing guys and slamming pills like so much Pez may not constitute a “good” life, but that didn't really matter. She had plenty of time for her and God to call even. At least, that's what Anna told herself. She hadn't expected Ian.

Tomorrow, I see the ring! OMG people!

Streakin' Baby!

Ok, no nudity will actually be involved in this post. Sorry. I'm actually referring to the fact that I've made four posts in four days. Not a bad streak, eh? A post a day at about 300 words each is pretty much my goal, so rock on!

So, today hasn't been terribly exciting. I've been reading Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake Vampire Hunter novels. I'm almost halfway through book 2, so far they're really fun reading. The stories are kind of in the film noir style, but with a preturnatural twist. Anita Blake is what's known as an Animator, one who can raise zombies from the grave. She does this professionally for an agency called, Animators, Inc. So, basically, if Uncle Earl's will is unclear, or someone needs a little closure with their dead fiancée, they dig up the grave and Anita does a little ritual allowing the corpse to chat it up for a few hours. That's how she pays the bills. However, on the side, Anita consults with the St. Louis police department regarding crimes with supernatural elements. Vampires live openly amongst mortals, even owning their own gothy night clubs and what not. The only catch is that since they're allowed to live outside of the coffin without fear of extermination, they can't treat the city as their buffet. So, for example, whenever a vampire gets a little too thirsty, Anita is called in to put them down... permanently. The books are interesting because the world is completely familiar, yet utterly different all at once. The juxtaposition in Anita's life is also really amusing. For instance, the bridesmaid dress for her best friend's wedding had to be specifically tailored to cover up her multitude of work related scars. So, picture a bad assed vampire executioner wearing a poofy orange dress and a big corsage tied with a matching orange bow around her neck to hide the scar where a vampire tried to chew through her collar bone. It's reminiscent of Martin Blank at his high school reunion, but I digress. I'm a big fan of dark comedy, film noir and of course, vampires. The Blake books pretty much have it all. Book 1 didn't exactly floor me, as it's really more of a "setup" book. It's good, but book 2 freaking rocks.

The Ring 2 comes out tomorrow! Before you die, you see the ring... OMG people!

Creepy Inspiration

So, for awhile I've wanted to write short stories. Yet, up until now it's been all talk and very little action. However, on Friday things will change. I have an idea for a macabre story about zombies, 3 paragraphs of which I will post here in 2 days. I've said it, so I can't punk out.

Today I watched two creepy movies to sort of inspire my morbid little tale. First, I watched Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead, one of my all time favorite zombie movies. Visually, Snyder did an absolutely incredible job. I really don't think people give enough credit to how well the film was shot. The outdoor scenes are so frenetically edgy and brutal that I can't help but be impressed every single time I toss in the DVD. The last 30 minutes alone are worth the entire film. There's one point that actually made me say, "whoa", out loud the first time I saw it in the theater. Anyone who's seen the film will know what I mean.

I also watched The Ring, not only for inspiration, but because I'm positively giddy that The Ring 2 comes out on Friday. I really hope The Ring 2 lives up to its predecessor, as the original is one of the most unsettling films I've ever seen. Not only is it well-acted and well-conceived, the cinematography is also stunning. For those unaware, the story involves watching a videotape on which there is a disturbingly morose barrage of imagery. Then, after viewing said tape the phone rings and a voice whispers, "seven days". Finally, without fail, the viewer dies on the seventh day. There's one image on the tape of a woman in a flowing black dress who calmly, with arms outstretched like the wings of an angle, plunges herself off a cliff. It's one of the most hauntingly beautiful things I've ever seen. I can't wait to see what's ahead in The Ring 2...

Before you die, you see the ring...

OMG people!

What does the subject of this entry have to do with anything in particular? Nothing really. It's Freeverse Software‘s new catch phrase, as noted in their press release for Kill Monty, a game of Tarantino-esqe frenetic violence. It's Kill Bill Vol. 1 meets The Matrix meets Outbreak.

I wonder how people will receive Freeverse's first "mature" game? Obviously, it's far tamer than Doom 3 or BloodRayne 2, but it's certainly a departure for Freeverse. There will be the typical, "That game is sick! How could anyone play something like that? Games like that shouldn't even exist." reactions. However, I don't buy the anti-game violence argument. Those who don't like violent games shouldn't play them. If parents don't want their kids playing such games, they need to take the responsibility that comes with parenthood. The idea that games and other forms of media cause violence is absolutely absurd. Sound people do not harm others purely over a game. As many people as I've hacked and gutted and shot and eviscerated digitally, I'd never even consider trying it for real. I have that little voice in me that says, "no, that's REALLY wrong." Reality is reality and fantasy is fantasy is a concept that stable people completely understand. Yet, some people are just sick inside. Their little voice doesn't exist, nor did it probably ever exist. Studies show most violent killers lack empathy and remorse. They literally don't care how their actions affect others, nor do they feel guilty about anything they do. People who are unstable will eventually cross that line, anything could trigger it. Some people are just sick. Did Jack the Ripper become inspired by BloodRayne 2? No. Did Ted Bundy get jazzed up over Resident Evil 4? Nope. Just turn on CourtTV, the real world's far sicker than any game. Sick people have been doing sick things since long before 1s and 0s could form pools of blood.

Back to the Blog

Well folks, here we go, the blog is back! I'm reinstating the daily post schedule, as I tend to go all or nothing on these things. So, everyday I'm going to post SOMETHING. It may not be long or particularly profound, but it will be something.

Why am I bringing back the blog? A few reasons... First, it's a great excuse to quit playing World of Warcraft for an hour or so. I probably play that game far too much. Also, it's good writing practice for writing something other than game reviews. It's funny... I really hate writing reviews lately, but I can't imagine NOT doing it. On some level, I like seeing my name attached to something I wrote because it gives me a sense of false importance. I know my little reviews don't really mean anything, but I get free games and industry people answer my e-mail. The Mac games industry is full of really awesome people, but obviously if the reviews stopped, nobody would think twice about me. That's just reality. Lastly, as one might surmise from the last few sentences, I figure the blog could be used cathardically. Lately, I've been in a really bad mood. I find myself wigging on people for no decent reason. While I'm doing it I even think to myself, "Dude, shut the fuck up. Nobody needs you spouting your persistent melancholy.", but I do it anyway. Stress always ends up going somewhere, whether one wants it to or not. So, MAYBE if I write things down here I won't randomly visit my often Caulfield-esque mood upon others. People say they don't mind, but I know it's no fun.

That's it for now. Goodnight and good noodles!