The New News That Isn't So New
For the second time in my life I am quitting the restaurant industry. I am making a lateral move into grocery. That is, the WINE portion of grocery. This is something I tried before. The quitting, not the grocery. The last time I quit waiting tables, I said I would never be back. However, when I was looking for work and a management/wine buyer position opened, I thought it would be a good opportunity. At least for a little while. So, I am here to tell you that it has been a good opportunity, but only for the littlest while.
So, since in a few short (i.e. much too long) weeks I will once again be thinking of my halcyon days in the industry, rather than living them, let me give you a few pieces of advice:
Don't call to see if you need to make a reservation, just make one. I mean, you already went to the hassle of dialing.
- Please, if you are a couple and sitting across from each other, don't move your chair next to your darling one, so that you can eat whilst your thighs are touching. Restaurants are set up to seat the maximum diners, so if you screw with the schematics, you will likely make it hard on the people around you. Plus, it is just gross. People who tend to do it fall into two categories: the young and the cheaters. P.S. We call you side-sitters and you are well hated, we probably "accidently" drop water out of the pitcher on you.
- Newsflash! If I seat you at the table nearest the door, it isn't a test to see if I can make you take the punishment, it means that every other table is full, or booked.
- Patios suck ass. That fact will never change.
- If a friend passes by and sees you, and comes into talk, do not take a chair from another table without asking, first. That shit doesn't belong to you. Since you asked, yes, it does belong to me. Same goes double for you putting your empty plate on another table.
- If you are using one of those god forsaken discount-from-hell cards, and there are exceptions, like "not usable Fridays and Saturdays," then don't call me up and bargain with me. We fill those seats with full-paying guests and I won't turn one away to seat your cheezy two-for-one ass down. And for god's-sake, be sure to tip on the before total, rather than the after.
- What you might do with that discount is use it to allow you to get an extra appetizer you always wanted, or that cocktail you always found interesting.
- Mr Jackass, we are wise to you. We know you fill out your credit card slips and take both copies on purpose, so that it would appear you tip, but really you don't since we aren't psychic and can't guess what total you wrote in. We caught you at it the last time you tried. You haven't been back, but when you do slime your way in, we'll remember.
- Guess what? Just cause you spend money here, doesn't mean I am your best friend. If I really like you, I will come by your table on my own.
- If you don't like your food, please let us take it away and either fix what was wrong with it, or give you something that makes you happy. People don't return to restaurants after a bad experience. Therefore, we want you to be happy.
- Don't expect us to serve your underage kid wine at the table. We want to, we really do. Except that we could lose our liquor license. Let them drink at home if you are so gung-ho for them to experience underage drinking.
- Another news tidbit for you, wine vintages change. More or less, the wine rep never bothers to let you know when that happens. We would never intentionally give you the wrong year, but really, if you care that much, go home and drink from your goddamn cellar.
- Don't tell me that a $15 corkage fee is a bit steep. I don't make the prices. If you would rather not pay it, then buy a bottle off the list.
- Because waiters make their money mostly via gratuity, they are very rarely ever rude. You might be reading something into it, or they might be extremely busy. They try to be patient with you, please be patient, as well.
- There is no such thing as verbal gratuity. If you tell me you enjoyed your meal, but don't leave me a tip, I can't spend what you said at the coffee shop.
- You and your Atkins diet is a major pain in the ass.
- It is really annoying that you don't want ice in your water. We have to make a special trip back and forth each time. If your teeth are sensitive, ask for a STRAW.
- If we serve our bread with a special butter, don't ask for oil. If we make a special oil, don't ask for butter.
- At my place, we serve the bread AFTER you order. This is because it is very easy to spend over $50,000 a year on "free" bread and oil. Therefore, we let you order when you know how much you will need to fill your tummy.
- For those of you that get only one course, no drinks (not even tea or coffee!), and no dessert, then ask for endless bread refills, well, we all think you are just remarkably cheap.
- Lastly, when I tell you I work(ed) in a restaurant, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, don't tell me every restaurant horror story you ever participated in, and then ask me if it was ok for you to not leave gratuity. Chances are good that I won't be on your side.
Now that I have scared you all to bits and you are slowly walking away from the computer, eyes on the screen.....let me tell you this. I am leaving the industry not because I am irreperably bitter, I am not. I am trying to leave while I am still happy. I am want to leave while they still want me to stay. As I told a friend, after I had to fire someone, (and it wasn't very pleasant) it is always better to choose to leave.
Posted by kerewin at June 30, 2004 11:21 PM