kerewin's whine cellar

The Restaurant II

I can't understand why anyone would want to watch Jerry Springer, or reality television, when they could just go work in a restaurant and get all those titilating scenes AND get paid. Yes, yes, I know there was a supposed 'reality' restaurant show, and I am here to tell you that the things that went on there were pure ass. Nobody in their right mind would reward an employee who is about to quit with a gamn Vespa (btw, what strange coincidence led that scooter to be placed just outside of the restaurant anyway?). I think a really fascinating idea for prime time would be to combine The Restaurant and Survivor and vote people off the floor. The last episode would feature one poor, hapless server and one screwed cook, scrambling to do everything by themselves. Oh, right, that is why real life isn't like reality tv, because we all need support staff.

Anyway, there is enough drama happening at my restaurant to fill several seconds of a television show.

The (Real) Restaurant
Cast (Installment 1, kitchen staff, better known as the Back of House, or BOH):
Owner Guy: Early fifties, balding guy. Chef. The buck supposedly stops here.......forever. You want something then you have to continue to remind the man, and if you are lucky and only really lucky, six months later, you might get a portion of what you requested. Also a fumbler, and a waffler, he goes on and on about cutting the hours of the front of house, because, "people tend to do what they need to do in the time allotted them, whether it be an hour or ten minutes." Yet, he never cleans up after himself, and has a tendency to wander from task to task, never finishing. When he accidently cuts or burns himself (not unusual in a kitchen) he starts yelling a string of profanities and kicks things. "Damn! Fuck! Piss!" stomp, stomp, stomp. It is weird to be around, and people generally flee, and then mock him endlessly hours later, behind his back, of course.

Sous Chef*: Early thirties, tall, thin, kinda good looking in a very dockers kind of way. Child of two psychologists, Ivy League-er (legacy student). The S.C. is one of those very annoying people, who is really good at anything he sets his mind to. Piano, tennis, French, school, and cooking just to name a few. He has an encyclopedic memory and a meddling mind. He also seems to want everyone to like him, and his method for ensuring this is to slag people behind their backs to whomever he is currently talking to, while indicating that he and the person he is speaking to are in strictest confidence, and alike in high ability. The next day he slags the confidant to the person he was slagging the day before.

Seriously into drugs and alcohol. He is also completely manic, in a depressed sort of way, and he mumbles endlessly. When not mumbling endlessly to you, he is talking into his cell phone while working. He has an almost permanent head tilt from this, and his cell phone is always covered in gook. It was practically white the other day from goat cheese. You walk up to the pass-through window and he is mid-story. You look around, who is he talking to? Seemingly you, yet you have work to do, you walk away, come back five minutes later and he is still talking. Recently dumped by his fiancée, we all get to be part and parcel of the drama that unfolds on his cell phone.

*our S.C. is the reason our show would be a big hit, yet he is the only person who works there that would end up in an even more downward spiral if he became famous. Still, he would make us all rich.

Lead-Line: Only here from the Bay area because his *very* serious girl friend is going to grad school in town. He hates the weather, but likes the fishing. He is very flirty, in a very non-serious way and has at least two restaurant girlfriends, by both his admission and theirs. (This is a function, I think, of every jobplace.....you have your real life significant other, and then your fake one.) He is very serious all the time, and seemingly permanently disappointed. Used to be a good going-out buddy of the Sous, but has decided recently that is a dead-end street.

Currently, he is obsessed with saving up to buy a house. This means he never wants to do anything with anyone. All he talks about lately is the house, fishing, his new workout regime, and how disappointed he is in the S.C.

Newest Kitchen Guy: Moved here from the South with his wife. They just got the notion that they wanted to live in Seattle, and got in their truck and headed on up. He appears to be completely serious, yet totally facetious all the time. So no one ever really knows if he is pissed, or is just joking. A strange mixture of redneck and liberal. For instance, he got married when he was 18, for about 3 months, and then they got divorced. He is currently on his second wife,but speaks all the time about wife #3, and #4 (these two future wives coincidently enough, are the same girls that are the peripheral girlfriends of the L.L.).

Has long hair, that he always has in a ponytail, then covered in a handkerchief ala Axel Rose. Obsessed with all things Tazz, he has the Tasmanian Devil all over his truck, and I am pretty sure a tattoo. Since he only moved here a few months ago and doesn't know anyone, the restaurant is his complete social life. He and the Sous drink to oblivion at least 3 nights a week. They are probably fairly detrimental to each others' health.

Dishwasher: Mexican, from Mexico City, has been in Seattle for at least seven years. Has three kids in Mexico that live with his parents, because his wife died 13 or so years ago. Hasn't been back to Mexico to see his kids in at least five years, because he is worried about his lack of papers and his ability to get back to the States. He is the hardest worker in the restaurant, and one of the nicest. He speaks fairly decent English, but when it comes to anything official, he comes to me for translation. This guy has three jobs. Monday-Friday he works lunch at a Mexican burrito place, then Tuesday-Saturday he works evenings at my restaurant, lastly he drives a van for a large soda conglomeration in the very early mornings Friday-Monday. The driving job he does three months on, and three months off, because after that, they might have to pay benefits, or something. Of course, almost all of his money gets sent back to Mexico, so that his kids can live a very high quality life. He won't move back there, because he probably couldn't find any good paying work, and he can't bring his kids here, because the dollar here doesn't get what it gets down South, and they wouldn't get everything their hearts desire.

Recently he has had pain around his heart, a few days a month. He went to the doctor (he has benefits through us, thankfully) and got all kinds of tests. Diagnosis: No alcohol, caffeine, sugar, or fatty or spicy food. For a Mexican, this is like a death toll. That's all they have is spicy, fatty, high sugar foods! Frankly I think doctors give this kind of advice hoping that people will tow the line around fifty percent of the time. I also believe that if he just had 2 jobs, or even one, and got some decent sleep and maybe some regular exercise, he would be fine, regardless of diet.

When it comes down to it, not a single one of us would do his job, yet the place wouldn't run without him. Therefore, it is in our best interests to try to make his job easy when we can. I always tell my staff, we all work for the diswasher.

The Front of House installment should be coming in the next week. In the meantime, I will be holding my breath for the WB to call.

Posted by kerewin at March 27, 2004 11:12 AM